I searched ‘boob sweat’ on Amazon

I searched ‘boob sweat’ on Amazon

Texas summer can suck it. Thanks to temperatures like these:


I now have a serious problem with underboob sweat. Like, serious swampiness under the girls. No chafe yet, thank Jeebus, but with how frickin damp it gets under there it can’t be too far behind.

Having experienced underboob chafe after my first marathon (it STIIIIIINGS), I’m game for avoiding it. So like I do with almost any problem I have, I turned to Amazon. If you can’t find it on Amazon, you didn’t really need it in the first place. Amazon, of course, did not let me down in the boob sweat product department.

Naturally, there was the usual paraphernalia one might expect when typing boob into a search box: bras, boob shapers, bra inserts, chicken cutlet-looking things, clothing with frat boy type boob humor (like Hello Titty), etc. But then, there were a few items that made me go

dafuq

So if you’ve ever wondered what types of products you’d be offered if you typed ‘boob sweat’ into Amazon, you’re in luck! Here’s a random sampling of the 150 that were returned on my search:

mens shaperThis man-girdle. I can’t decide if it’s PhotoShopped or if the dude is really being compressed that much. Either way – not helpful in my de-boob-sweating campaign.

pudding boobs

Ok, um, WHAT? It’s like, yeah, ha ha, the Christmas puddings look like boobs and OMG they are place where boobs usually are. Super LOL. But WHY does it have to come in kid sizes???

heel covers

I think someone was just trying to make a quick buck. Or just wasn’t paying attention when uploading pictures. Either way, it didn’t impress those 4 customers.

boob schmoozie

There were several different types of liners or inserts one could shove in their bra to combat mucky mammaries, but I liked this one because it was called the Boob Schmoozie. It kind of looks like a twiddly mustache for your boobs.

Boob cream that turns into a powder. And apparently, if a woman has sweaty boob problems, she helpfully thinks of her man and gets him the matching sweaty balls lotion. The couple who de-funks together, stays together.

lady anti monkey butt

What’s not to love about a product with ‘anti-monkey butt’ in the name? Half the reason I chose Boudreaux’s Butt Paste for my kiddos was because of the name. I’ve known for awhile that my sense of humor slides heavily into junior high boy territory, and I’m ok with that. What pissed me off about this product was the description:

Specially blended for women, Lady Anti Monkey Butt Powder is a cornstarch and Calamine based powder you will love for absorbing sweat and staying irritation-free. Satin-smooth and with a pleasant fragrance, this body powder provides long-lasting cooling relief. Apply before spin or exercise class, before long walks or jogs and after showering.

If I may quote my friend Captain Jack Sparrow from above: DAFUQ? Does this company assume women only do these kinds of stereotypically “lady” activities, or is the powder only effective after these particular workouts? Maybe I’ll post that question under the Customer Questions & Answers.

Because I’m super cheap, I decided to come up with my own solution.

The best part? It’s BARELY NOTICEABLE under your shirt. The worst part was my kids bugging me to have the fan back, because apparently the clip-on stroller fan is the most exciting toy ever.

For those days when I can’t pry the fan out of their greedy little hands, I’m going to try sticking some Bamboobies nursing pads under my boobs. They are AMAZING at keeping milk from leaking through a shirt, so I imagine they’d work well for sweat too. I still have a few left over from my leaky days, so I’ll give it a shot and let you know how it works.

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Driving from Oregon to Texas

Driving from Oregon to Texas

Hello! I’m baaaa-aaaack!!

We just finished the highly anticipated road trip from Portland, OR to Abilene, TX. It actually went much smoother than I imagined! But I don’t want to do it again anytime soon. 🙂

Two adults, one toddler, and two cars stuffed with crap we thought we needed. It took us 4 days to drive 1,846 miles. I learned something new each day of the drive.

RoadTripYouareagoodmamadotcom

Day One

Eastern Oregon is gorgeous. I got to test my wicked good rain-driving skills one last time, before leaving the land of the rain (Oregon) for the land of the sun (Texas). I rocked it.

Oh, and there are alligators in Idaho. WTF??

Day Two

Tell your husband you need to pee BEFORE it moves from annoying to urgent. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself doing an awkward hop/run to a Wendy’s bathroom in Moab while silently begging your childbirth-weakened pelvic floor muscles to keep the tiny dribble from becoming a full pants-soaking.

The gorgeous view couldn't distract me long enough
The gorgeous view couldn’t distract me long enough

Toddler repeatedly asks for toy you can’t reach while driving. Your response:
Hour One: “I’m sorry sweetpea, it’s not safe for me to get your dinosaur right now but when we stop for lunch I’ll get it for you!.”
Hour Nine: “NO!” *turns up radio to drown out whining and doesn’t feel guilty

Electronic devices are a godsend. Until your toddler decides that the only thing that will make him happy is to watch DVDs on the portable DVD player with a dead battery. You will feel his wrath (literally) when he chucks said DVD player at the back of your head.

This didn't happen nearly enough
This didn’t happen nearly enough

I picked the wrong time to give up caffeine.

After a long day of driving, you will smile as your freshly bathed toddler jumps on the bed while gleefully shouting “It’s a naked baby!!” It might be a slightly crazed and/or resigned smile, but hey at least you’re smiling and everyone is still alive.

Day Three

Driving the car without the toddler is much more relaxing than driving the car with the toddler.

My daydreams now consist of shooting rattlesnakes and finding the perfect pair of cowboy boots. I think my inner country girl is starting to emerge!

Day Four

New Mexico is flat and unappealing to me. It rained overnight and our cars were filthy afterward.

So boring
The never-ending road

Texas is F’ing hot! Holy boob sweat, Batman. Thank heavens for AC.

Not even the hottest it's been
Not even the hottest it’s been

It still hasn’t really hit me that we are here to stay for awhile (God and Air Force willing). Maybe it will become more real when we move into our apartment next week (temporary fix while we search for our family home to buy). I’m looking forward to seeing all the crap that I thought I needed back in February when the movers packed us out. Most of all, I’m just so glad to be done driving. Welcome to Texas!