My son has recently become obsessed with Dinosaur Train, a cartoon on PBS. I’m cool with it, because 1) I don’t really obsess over his screen time and 2) it feels like a “win” because it’s an educational cartoon. As far as kid shows go, it’s really not that bad, but after watching 32 half-hour episodes in the last 6 days (thank you, Netflix), the adult mind starts to wander and entertain itself. So I give you the 10 ways you know you’ve watched too much Dinosaur Train:
- You start to question Mrs. Pteranodon’s morals. I want to know exactly how that flying dinosaur came to lay a Tyrannosaurus Rex egg.
- You quietly dub the dialogue with your own snarky comments [if I had any kind of video editing skills, I’d totally dub whole episodes. Just checked and there’s nothing on YouTube. Someone get on that, stat].
Buddy: I have a hypothesis!
Tiny: Oh big effing surprise, Buddy has another hypothesis [eye roll].
- You realize Mr. Pteranodon has a major man-crush on Hank Ankylosaurus and perhaps wants to take it further
- After figuring out #1 and #3, you conclude that pteranodons were superfreaks, superfreaks, they’re super freaky, yeah!
- You breathlessly wait for the day that the eternally cheerful Mr. Conductor will snap and eat one of the kiddo dinosaurs with his sharp troodon teeth.
- You find yourself complaining about the fact that the carnivores eat meat of undetermined origin. All the show says is they eat meat, and every carnivore seems to always have a pile of fresh meat, but NO ONE EVER SAYS WHERE THAT MEAT COMES FROM. It comes from your family, Buddy. You are supposed to eat your pteranodon family and all the dinosaurs you meet on the Dinosaur Train.
- This show has created its own, special species of dinosaur called Predator and this annoys you. These vaguely T. rex-like dinosaurs have no names and no talents other than trying to eat anything that moves and being really dumb. I mean, really? The tiny Eugene Euoplocephalus swings his little club tail twice and the huge dinosaur with lots of ginsu-knife teeth screams like a ninny and runs off? Riiiiigggghhhhhtttt.
- You find yourself wishing Tank Triceratops would sit on Tiny whenever she starts bitching about som eone being tinier than her. Shut your tiny mouth and just be grateful your T. rex brother hasn’t eaten you yet.
- When the Pteranodon children dress up as other dinosaurs and their parents chuckle, you imagine they’re all just being assholes and making fun of all the other dinosaurs. Then you start making fun of Don Pteranodon for having an underbite.
- You realize you’ve just written a blog post about Dinosaur Train when your child is asleep and you could be doing literally anything else.
Maybe next time I’ll write about the 7 reasons your child shouldn’t watch/read Curious George (here’s a preview: CG creates the mess, then gets rewarded for “fixing” it. What the hell??? That’s not what I want to teach my kid).