I just reread my page on why I started this blog. I think I finally realized that I was lying to myself when I wrote it.
Yes, I do love uplifting and supporting other mamas. It hurts to see judgments being flung about. It hurts worse when I catch myself judging (not my finer moments). I thought I needed to create a place for moms to celebrate each other. I was so excited in the beginning, full of ideas and visions for the future. I bought the domain name, solicited guest posts, wrote a few myself, and then…nothing.
I could blame my absence on our move from England back to the United States. It was stressful, but not worthy of a 3 month absence from something I was passionate about. I started to wonder why I wasn’t blogging, but even this introspection didn’t spur me to write. In the past few days, I think I’ve figured it out:
I was focusing on other mamas, when I should have been focusing on myself.
Overall, I believe I’m a good mama. Some days its easier to believe that, while others I have to work really hard to convince myself that it’s true. My self esteem is on shaky ground, and it’s hard to feel like a good mama when you’re not 100% convinced you’re a good person.
I’ve spent most of my life searching for self worth in every place but myself: accomplishments, jobs, education, service to others. It’s netted me a pretty good résumé, but not the happiest of home lives. I’m working to reorganize the priorities in my life, and one of them is rebuilding myself and my family instead of building up others.
So, my new goal with this blog is to chronicle my growth as a mother. Maybe it will help someone along the way, but right now that’s just a bonus. Selfish? Yes. Necessary? Absolutely.
“It is easier to do one’s duty to others than to one’s self. If you do your duty to others, you are considered reliable. If you do your duty to yourself, you are considered selfish.” — Thomas Szasz