A HUGE reason I started this blog was to connect with other women. I was thrilled when my last blog post helped me do just that! Rose contacted me via my Facebook page and we discovered we were a part of the same recovery community (Sober Mommies – highly recommend that group!!!). Anyway, she asked if I ever took guest submissions and I immediately said yes. I’m so happy to share her words here – her message is so important. If you have a story you’d like to share about motherhood, sobriety, or both, shoot me an email: smccallmph at gmail dot com (just to keep scary InterWebs robots from spamming me).
When I first got sober I was told that acceptance was the key. I was told the only way forward was through the acceptance of my alcoholism, and that once this was accomplished I would then be able to find the life I had always wanted.
I didn’t really have a problem with this idea, because by the time I finally got sober I was ready to accept my alcoholism. I had spent 18 years or so attempting to find other ways around this diagnosis, but came up empty, and so arriving at the last house on the block I decided that it was probably high time I surrendered. You see, I knew that surrender would provide me with peace it would allow me to finally just be in the moment
Through accepting the fact that I was an alcoholic and accepting what this truly meant, I was then able to work the Steps and seek therapy, which allowed me to accept other things in my life as well.
I was able to accept a lot of the trauma that had occurred during my childhood and I was able to accept the fact that I was not perfect. This one was huge for me because for so long I was driven by this idea that I had to perfect or else I would be unlovable. When I began to accept my imperfections, I began to learn how to love myself for who I was.
Most importantly through all of this, I learned the difference between acceptance and letting go. While the two may seem similar, they produce very different results in a person. What I mean by this is that I learned that just accepting something is not enough, but there must be action that goes along with the acceptance—that action being letting going and moving forward. I can give you a good example from my life in order to illustrate this point.
One of the most difficult things that I have had to deal with in my sobriety has been my relationship with my ex-husband. For the first part of my sobriety, I was a thousand miles away from him, and so I didn’t really have to deal with him on a regular basis. Being away from the situation allowed me to have a sort of faux-acceptance of it because I accepted the fact that he was who he was, and I accepted the fact that he wasn’t apt to change anytime soon.
Since I didn’t have to engage with him that much, this form of acceptance suited my needs for the time and I could freely wash my hands of him, all under the guise that I had finally accepted the situation. But then I moved back home and I learned that just accepting who he was, was not going to be sufficient for me to actually deal with him.
I began to really struggle with being home and every time that I had to talk with him or interact with him on any level, it would bring about a hate in me I didn’t know I still had. I would relive the years we spent together and become overwhelmed by these feelings, to the point where I just didn’t know what to do. I mean, I thought I had accepted that he wasn’t going to change, so why did I feel so terrible about it?
What I discovered is that while I had indeed accepted some parts of the situation, I had not let it go and moved forward. I had only accepted that the situation was terrible and never thought that it could possibly get better. By doing this I continued to cling to my feelings and let them drive me and because of this, I was completely unable to move forward.
So like with most things in my sobriety, I eventually arrived at a point where the pain was great enough and I had no choice but to surrender it…I mean really surrender it, and ask God to do with it what he will. And then something amazing happened. I actually began to forgive my ex-husband and in turn I actually began to let go of the situation.
I no longer felt angry after I had to deal with him and I no longer hated him when I found out that he was saying negative things about me to our children. I just simply let it go and decided that I was going to move forward regardless of what was going on.
This happened only recently, like within the past few months, and let me tell you – once again my life has been transformed. I no longer carry around this heavy burden and in this particular case; I no longer suffer from the delusion that I can control it.
Acceptance is in a sense the act of relinquishing control, but once control is given up there must be an action that follows in order for it to truly take hold. For me, the action is that I have to mentally and physically let go of whatever it is that I am holding on to, and then ask God how he would like me to proceed.
I have found that often times, God’s plans for me far exceed my own, but my ability to trust this may waver a lot of the time. Often, I still want to hold on desperately to things that I should let go of, and it is really only through pain that I find I am able to do so. But like the whole situation with my ex-husband, as long as I trust God, continue to stay sober, and try my best on a daily basis, I know that I will be able to let go of whatever comes my way, in due time.
Rose Lockinger is a passionate member of the recovery community. A rebel who found her cause, she uses blogging and social media to raise the awareness about the disease of addiction. She has visited all over North and South America. Single mom to two beautiful children, she has learned parenting is without a doubt the most rewarding job in the world. She is currently the Outreach Director at Stodzy Internet Marketing and you can find her on LinkedIn, Facebook, & Instagram.